What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:06
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Which IT career path involves little to no coding?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do people procrastinate and how can they stop?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When did washing a dog exhaust you very quickly?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So whats the point in blame.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.